Direct Mail letter. Need your input

I’ve thinking of mailing a letter out with some gift cards attached. To a local gated community. I have my list already. I wrote this up. Barrowed a couple of things from Kevin and couple other people. I still feel its missing something. Let me know what you think. Thanks ahead of time.

Dear Customer Name,

I just wanted to write you this letter to let you know how to make your dream home not only look new but feel new again. I know you would love to bring the sun back in your home right before Spring. 
It's very easy to do. All you have to do is have me and my team come out and clean your windows. You will notice a difference right off the bat how clean your home feels. With our prices starting at $149. 
You will notice how affordable it is to rediscover your dream home in 2009, with cleaning services from Carolina Clean. 

Thanks for your time,

Justin Alvarez
Owner
Carolina Clean
843-521-7077
www.carolina-clean.com

P.S.
I’m giving you 4 Gift certificates as a New Years gift. First one is a $25 gift certificate to put toward your window cleaning. The second one is a $20 gift certificate to put toward your gutter cleaning. The third is a $25 gift certificate to put toward your RainFlow gutter protection installation. And last but not least is a $25 gift certificate you can give you a friend or neighbor. I’m only giving these out to a select few and they will expire 2/28/09. So call now.

You should get some kind of response with that. You did right by offering gift certificates. Everyone looks for “the deal” when they get direct mail. One thing I would suggest is to put an expiration date on the certificate, it forces them to act. Also, you won’t be needing to give discounts in April or May, you’ll have plenty of work by then.

Sent 10 monday out and got one call already for window cleaning and pine straw removal.

How did you get address for these people? Did you mail them or put them in their mailboxes?

You can either buy mailing lists or do saturation mailing of carrier routes.
Most of my targeted demographic is outside the city limits so saturation mailing is great for me.
I drop ship my postcards to the mailing center and they handle it from there for 21 cents per card.

Mailboxes are off-limits to non-USPS employees.

With saturation mailing…do you get to pick your customer profile ie: house value, income etc or is it just a general maing?

If you are sending these to houses that are really nice and expensive, you might want to straighten up the grammar and composition. For example:

Dear Customer Name,

I am writing you this letter to inform you how we can make your dream home not only look new, but feel new once again. I know you would love to fill your home with 100% All Natural, Totally Free Sunlight in time for Spring. 
It is a very simple process. All you need to do is schedule a time for my crew and I to visit your home and clean your windows. You will notice a difference immediately in how clean your home feels. Our prices start at only $149. 
Find out how affordable it is to [I]rediscover[/I] your dream home in 2009, with cleaning services from Carolina Clean. 

Thanks for your time,

P.S.
I am including–just for you–4 Gift certificates as a New Years gift. First one is a $25 gift certificate to put toward your window cleaning. The second one is a $20 gift certificate to put toward your gutter cleaning. The third is a $25 gift certificate to put toward your RainFlow gutter protection installation. And last but not least is a $25 gift certificate you can give you a friend or neighbor. I’m only giving these out to a select few and they will expire 2/28/09. So call now to redeem your gift certificate.

Maybe its me, but I think that this might sound more appropriate to home owners that you are targeting.

I finally figured out how to get on the county website for property appraisals. If your county has a similar site, you can put in your target (street, neighborhood, price range, owner name, city, etc.) and get some really great results. I did. My first set of 1000 fliers went out today to homes valued at $350K or more.

Every box on that route gets a card.
You need to buy or compile a list for targeted mailings.