More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realise you’re wrong. (what are they talking about? HM)
I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check
your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself
to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by
randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not
to be friends with?
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix
the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just
figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90
minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at
the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and
a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really,
really gets it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all
I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said
"Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)…ummm…Goonies".
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection.
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear
I did not make any changes to.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me
if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this.
It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room.
Will we still be friends after this?’
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes
to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she
hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for paedophiles…
As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey
- but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3
feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
I wonder if cops ever get ****ed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone
at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and
then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require
such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s
nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.